Ozark stories

Purina Diet

I was waiting in line at Wal-Mart to buy a box of Moon Pies and a carton of RC Cola, kind of dirty because I’d been out working. In front of me was a well-dressed woman, obviously from the city. In front of here was another old country boy like me. He had a big bag of Purina dog food.

The woman asked him if he had a dog. I could tell by the way she talked she wasn’t from around here.

Just as solemn as an old judge without a smirk or a smile on his face, he said, "No, I am starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't. I ended up in the hospital last time. But I did lose 50 pounds before I woke up in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of my nose and IVs in both arms."

She stood there stunned. I tried not to laugh, because I knew there had to be a punch line.

The old boy continued, "It is essentially a perfect diet. The way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is high fiber and nutritionally complete, so I am going to try it again."

Everyone in the line, and the next line over, too, was by now enthralled with his story. I wondered where he was going with this.

Horrified, the woman asked, "Were you poisoned... was that why you were in the hospital?"

Straight faced, he said, "No, Ma'am. I was sitting in the street scratching for fleas and a car hit me!"

I thought they were going to have carry me out the door