To the senior class of 2008

Never point a gun at a cop. He’s doesn’t care what kind of day you’ve had. He’ll piece that together at the autopsy.
With odds of 55 million to one, the lottery is a tax on the stupid.
Science is not theology – even when it acts like one.
Tattoos, like herpes, are forever.
Envy is the most loathsome of sins. It is a neon sign that says you never grew up.
Moral relativism: how lazy thinkers justify what they haven’t earned.
The world is not conspiring against you. You’re not that important.
God gave you two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.
If you cannot distinguish between Want and Need, you shouldn’t have a credit card.
Sex is not love. God doesn’t command us to screw one another.
You start out poor. Those are the rules.
Your parents will get smarter.
There are those who would criminalize thought. Pray you never have to call them ‘boss.’
Pop culture is, and always has been, a toilet. Flush it frequently and use the spray!
Nourish your sense of humor. It is your armor against idiots, bureaucrats and government officials.
Life isn’t fair. Get over it.
The Constitution and the Bible endure because their central assumption has never been refuted: mankind is flawed.
Happiness is a cat. If you want it to sit in your lap, ignore it.
A lie can always find refuge in a well-crafted poll.
Government: if it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. If it stops moving, subsidize it.
Don’t believe the headlines. The truth is usually in the sixteenth paragraph.
The media cares about truth the way a shark cares about cholesterol.